The right thing is no longer written in faded grey letters for us to trace. That's what was left of it when we got off the training wheels stage of having it printed in front of you in bold black letters: THIS is what is good, THIS is how you should live. Now we're into that fuzzy stage where sometimes you remember the lines you've always traced, but you wonder if it suits your handwriting after all. And if not, what will you do? And when will you get scolded and by whom?

( Long entry here.. )

Okay, it's half an hour past my intended bedtime, so I'm gonna go crash now. Hope everyone's been having an amazing semester/not-so-cold winter so far. Later, all *waves*.

PS- From a loooong time ago. That night I had that dream? I also dreamed that I was taking care of chinchillas and they got out and Bonnie sat on one. The others were okay, but that one was breathing funny, and I woke up with my chest feeling all tight 'cause in the dream, it seemed likely that the chin would die. Last night, I woke up at first from a dream where I was a bad person (can't remember in what way), but I went back to sleep and deemed my second wake up more acceptable.

Dreamed I was Tamar and somewhere between older and younger than her real age. I was married to a man named George, and I was a writer(?). My writing wasn't being well-accepted, and I was refusing my friends' claims that it was good, they(?) just didn't know what they were talking about. I said that they'd ____________ so I couldn't accept their words now- they contradicted what they'd last said, my writing was either one or the other. Two of my friends were pregnant. George was on a plane with me, silent but supportive.

Before that, something about a gymnastics stadium. Maybe even actual gymnastics.

All vague, really, but that's all I can remember.

And really, I shouldn't have woken after only four hours of sleep in the first place, right?

Maybe my conscience is what woke me up. Bleh to guilt.

Later, all.

( When I sleep lots, I dream lots )

Piano exam at 9:50 am. -_-;; Still not ready, gonna go practice more sometime this morning. Hope everyone's doing well. Later, all *waves*.

Two nights ago, I dreamed that I made a slightly-younger-looking Van Skike slowly spit up a whole bottle of water in laughter by reminding him about "AdNews" (whatever that dream-invented term means! I think it was supposed to be a project or unit or something from US History class). The dream was set in some sort of formal gathering, except for some reason I think it may have taken place in a strange setting like an aquarium or something. But I can't be sure, maybe other dreams I had that night just kinda bled into this one.

Anyways, I found it funny.

I'm feeling determined, but I got jabbed between the ribs yesterday by some news. Looks like colleges won't forgive so easily the mistakes I've made in the past (or my present ignorance). But I refuse to give up! I want to prove... something.... no matter how hard it is to explain it to anyone, it seems. No one sounds sure of me anymore, not even my friends. Which leaves me to make it all happen. Jia you! ^_^

And I don't care if I sound fake, because to my ears it sounds promising anyway.

Blah. It is 6:12 AM. Time for some sleep before the day barges in. *peers outside window* Oh look, here it comes... drat.

Later, all *waves.

Office, I work there, lots of people work there. Green filing cabinets about knee high near desks covered with work. Main office is connected at left to back office, there's a table nearby in the back office (on the right wall near the door to the main office) with coffee on it.

Guys are playful, there are two of them. Girl is efficient, there is one. I am kind, guy is working himself like crazy. His effort is touching and beautiful but sad. He collapses into the chair, constantly needs a new cup of coffee which I always get to him on time. I begin wanting to hug him, because I feel so bad for him and he looks so tired and lonely. He has a strong arm, and wears a long sleeved jacket (black?) (was there a scarf?). The efficient girl looks over at me, so I don't. Not a rivalry, just not appropriate, even if he's so exhausted.

He collapses into his seat, the girl tells me 'coffee'. I think she means catch the cup, because the small flower pot drops from his dangling right hand and I don't quite catch it but it doesn't shatter. But she actually means refill it, he still has work to do. Not cruel, just efficient.

As I'm filling the cup, I hear one of the two (three?) guys muttering 'can't believe this, he went to three different shops to get this coffee. And this! he went to two different stores, I'm going crazy! who does he think he is, superman?!' (app.). He has an accent or else another language- British (can't believe this) or Korean (I'm going crazy! who does he think he is)? Then there's silence and as I bring the coffee cup (a paper hat folded up (crane?) shaped thing), I realize he's awake and smiling blearily at the guy. There is coffee spilled on him, the guy complaining was so startled to see him awake that his coffee cup jumped.

I kneel down and hand him the coffee cup, and help him to align the pointed end. I tell him to be careful not to burn himself. The guy chuckles softly at the irony, he's really kind. I ask him why he's so afraid of money. Then I wake up.

Soft dream, soft feeling. Concern. Empathy. Feeling.

Dreams where you can feel the sensations are just amazing. This dream was kind of weird, there was an evil vibe to it, but I still really wanted to know what was going to happen. I could really feel that slight burn on my ear. For all I know, I was lying on my side funny, but I much prefer the idea that dreams can really seem that real.

I wish I knew what that dream had been trying to do, it felt really important. But the phone rang and then Badj started playing music loudly and between the two, I just lost my grip on it.

I feel a bit empty, but once I get the schoolwork out of the way, at least the 'rents will be off my back and I can go back to facing my demons in whatever order I choose. >_< So high school, SO high school.

I don't mind being a nine year alum, I really don't. It actually felt kinda good. It's not that I have deep and fond memories of the place from my one year there. More, to me, the place is important because of the many years I've visited and watched my brothers grow there, and seen the same beautiful school continue to go on the same path. It's really an amazing school- I don't know how many languages I heard spoken at the festival- Russian, Korean, Spanish, probably a few more I couldn't make out. It was just amazing. That's how it should be.

I also felt like a really good person there. I like how share-y I was, it was a change, I'll admit. But in that environment I felt like I could afford to be more... I dunno. It was just nice. I was upset with my helplessness a couple of times, but I got to hang out with Badj (I dunno how many bingo cards we went through, but we definitely should have one at least ONCE between us!), and I got to work the concessions, which I really love. I really have so much respect for people who work jobs involving serving food. It seems so incredibly difficult to me, both the work and the smile you need to maintain throughout it all.

Eh, I'm just thinking while I wait. I'll stop thinking here before it gets too long. Sad that my break is almost over- I didn't get enough done AT. ALL. >.<

Later, all *waves*

Great series, great series, oh my god, overload of giddy glee.... ^_____^

Good Luck!! is a plain series in some ways, but nevertheless it was amazing and I adored it. Certainly much better than last night, when I went to bed having just finished the Director's Cut Amadeus. *shivers* No wonder my dream was part-nightmare.

Oh my god, happy-ness, yaaaay.... *spins in circles* I'm so easily satisfied by these things, y'know? *squee*

Later, all *waves*.

( Dreams )

Later, all *waves*.

1 phone call down, 1 to go. Dunno when. Major stress.

Exam. Tomorrow. No studying done yet.

Powerpoint. Due Tuesday. Due to group-mates Monday evening. Not done.

Sleep. Need it. Badly. Had a dream I fainted in class from a lack of sleep. o.O Must be seriously tired.

Lots to do. No time. No energy. Need more time and energy....

This week's gonna be hell.

.... Er, meep?

*dies*

Dream 1 was actually the one I figured would've been last. Short one, dreamed my mom died. Woke up with my heart pounding.

Went back to sleep, and that's when Dream 2 started. My family was going on a vacation trip to Mars, and to get there, we were floating through alternating scenes of water rapids, a spacey looking background, or across giant ice sheets with ice walls and ridges all around (think penguins sliding around).

Final Dream 3 was that I was the red power ranger. Probably because I'd read an article on Power Rangers for Modern Japan class. But yeah. So my suit was shorter than everyone else's, but not by too much.

That's all I remember.

I'm tired, but hey, I managed to wake up. Hurray! Guess who's NOT going to be missing any classes today? *sweatdrop* That shouldn't be such a novel concept to me.... it's only the second month... *dies*

Later, all *waves*.

Earlier today:

Guy putting scarf on his grandmother. Scarf is white with pink stripes, maybe more colors. Wraps it around her neck again and again, gently. Smiles down, wrapping it slowly and softly. Helps pull hood up over her head and straightens the sides of her jacket. More smiles. Kisses her cheek.

Beautiful.

I wish I could etch that moment in my mind or somewhere else, so I could remember it forever. It was amazing to watch. (This scene really happened, the next described image is a dream, obviously).

In other news, the night before last, I dreamed that I was living in a cursed house (there was some little girl ghost or something). There was a crowd of people on the back deck and in all the commotion, a fisherman had his eye stabbed out by the penguin someone was holding under their arm (it looked more like a seagull, but somehow I knew it was a penguin). He writhed on the ground there until he died. My grandfather (actually, my dad, but in the dream, he was my grandfather) was going to explain the curse to me, but before he could, he had a heart attack and died. I tried to tell Jonji to get all the other kids into the car and run, but I ended up driving. But I knew the little girl would be able to find me, so I wasn't sure where to drive, because not only did I not know where I was, I didn't know where I was going.

It wasn't a social nightmare or anything, it was an honest to God scared-me-out-of-my-wits nightmare. >_< Hate nightmares.

I dreamed I was eating lunch with Mitch in the Black Box (not that I remember that that's what it looked like, but the location was right). I think we were talking about books at some point, either that or the Black Box was now a bookstore in my dream. He ate with me for the first portion of lunch, there may have been someone else there with us after a point, I think someone came while I was checking my phone. The new person wasn't normally there though, I wasn't happy he was there. I think he was someone who annoyed me. Then Mitch got up and left, and I told the interrupting person that he always left, because then he went to Carr to eat with his other friends who I couldn't eat with- I was lucky that he even ate with me, since I ate all by myself, I said.

Then I look at my phone and realize people've been trying to call and text me. I try to call back all of them but to no avail. They're where the lot before the baseball field shoulda been, but the grassy field from beside baseball one had moved to there. Benna aske me if I tried calling. I look at the list of texts/calls and figure Ben must've borrowed her phone, but she says no. But by then I'm at the group anyway so it's okay.

Miguel, Lauren, Ben, Jake, and probably more people who I can't remember are there. They've invented three dance steps: Super Thunder, Super Lightning, and Super Rainbow. I get the first two down pretty easily, but for some reason, I just can't do that damn rainbow sign. Jake tries to teach me, Lauren tries to teach me, no luck. They're dance moves to go along with the Mario theme. I wonder where they plan to use the dance.

Then my phone's damn beeping finally wakes me up, and now I'm awake at 4 in the morning, because someone just HAD to leave me a voicemail at 2:30 AM!! >_< Tonight was my attempt to get my sleep schedule back on track, dangit!

But hey, now I can do the Super Thunder and Super Lightning, for what it's worth. ^^;; Later, all *waves*.

Ahahahaha..... best dream EVER....

( Dream )

Okay, so the dream is kinda hard to explain, but it really WAS awesome. Anyways, I'm up. Time to go be productive. Later, all. *waves*

Dreamed the night before last- we were on a ship, and I. was feeling seasick or motion sickness was bothering him or something. I picked him up and carried him into this room and placed him on a shelf- he was now a cat or a rodent of some sort. Trevor, my chinchilla, came up to the door like he was going to sneak up on I., but I. tackled him and started tearing into him. I was so scared, I tried to scream, but I couldn't, and when I woke up, my heart was racing.

Whoa. o.o

Katie and Sara are here today, yay! *happy* It's neat seeing them and talking to them as if they never left. It's a comforting thing.

Ahlstrom chewed out Ros today, not cool. I get that she's stressed, we have a chorus concert today. But still, not cool.

Hurray, chorus concert. If only I had time.

Speaking of which, I had better go and work more on my IRU. Deadlines approach like ravenous beasts, ahhhhh!!!! (Later, all).

Urgh.... You know a rough day's coming up when you wake up to a pounding headache behind your left eye.

Stress sucks.

(On the plus side, I had this really cool fantasy dream and I nearly died laughing when this guy's eyes started glowing red, and he told that twit of a heroine who just COULDN'T seem to get it, "It means my dear, that I am EVIL!". *cackles* Mwahahahaha.)

The dream's not enough to improve my day, but I'm hoping I'll find something that will. Because so far, I see nothing but a sucky weekend in my future.

(*mutters* I will not think about e-mails and lack thereof, I should be used to it, since it's the weekend..... but goddammit this sucks. Stupid people (yes there is a plural to this). *mutters*)

*waves* Later, all.

( Yay Weekends! )

Not an exciting one to read, but it was a fun dream.

( Big wonderful dream. )

Anyways, yeah, high, I finally gave up, my back was hurting too much, threw stuff off my bed some time during the night and curled up into about 1/6 of my bedspace. Ah, bliss.

Anyways, yay, I'm awake. Time to get to work. CALCULUS, HERE I COME! *roar* (Man I love waking up from good dreams). ^_^

Argh, too much homework. Die homework, die! *stabs with a pointy fork*

Dream: Mimi driving a car, we're fetching people secretly perfume store and shoes, mall feel, Bishop's 'round, other con people, Fox? Can't remember.

So I don't feel comfortable talking to her about it. And because I SAY that, I'M in the wrong? I asked once long ago and she refused, if I've outgrown being comfortable, that's not my fault that she took her precious time, and if she got hurt by me saying I don't want to hear anymore, tough. I'm NOT gonna listen just to make her feel better. That's just not how I work this year. I'm not going to put myself out there to be messed with more than I have to, so sue me! I can't believe that my dad had the nerve to be mad about it. And I'm sorry that I said it to her the harsh way, but that's YEARS of resentment bubbling up right there.

Oh, and I'm grounded again already. On the year I thought I'd gotten a deal to avoid that threat. I think my parents are addicted. I mean, they use it as a threat when they say they won't, I have NO motivation to try to work against it again, because they're breaking promises so fast, I can't put any faith into what they say, becausae it'd be a waste of hope and time (almost wrote thyme, can you tell I've got Scarborough Fair on the brain?).

Band practice.... ah. It..... I don't even know. I thought I knew where I stood on this, I really hope I was right. This whole deal kinda made band practice neither band nor practice oriented. Sorry, God. Sucks. S'tough.

Uh, I'm kinda bummed out right now, I don't know where I stand. But with my resolution for this year, I know I stand more confident and sure of my steps than I ever have. And I don't give a damn if my parents think I'm being hurtful and selfish, if friends start agreeing, I don't care. I'm putting myself first a little, because I got a nice wake-up call this summer; I haven't had myself first in yeare. For anything. And that's not okay. So while I'm working out how it works, how far to take it, if I act selfish and self-centered and uncaring about y'all, I apologize now, but I won't for the individual moments, not unless I think they're honestly wrong. As someone said this week, "I AM the man."

My life is my own show, and I'm going to start running it. 'Bout time.